I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I have taken back what was take from me, MY VOICE
The bravest thing I have ever had to do was continue living when I wanted to die. Everything was taken from me. My childhood, my innocence. At a very young age I was sexually abused and assaulted by multiple people. My brother molested and raped me from the ages 10-13. Something I could never understand. I struggled with it because I would think to myself “how can someone who is suppose to love and protect me do this to me”. It did not feel right and it did not feel normal but I was young and didn’t know what to do. I was afraid to speak up. He threatened me and would tell me this was normal. He would say to me its ok because I am your brother when mom and dad talk about this they talk about other people. They can't touch you but I can. As my older brother I believed him because he would never do something that would harm me. I was young and naieve. While this was going on there was a cousin who was living with us who molested me and verbally abused me. I use to hate when night time would come because almost every night I had to hear him say to me all the things he wanted to do to me. There were times the two would make me undress and just stand there while they looked and pooked at me. Between the two I dreaded being home alone. I would ask my mom to take me to work with her or ask her if I could go to our neighbor’s house. She reached a point where she would ask “why don’t you want to be home you’re on vacation” of course I would lie, I was afraid to be speak up. My brother threatened that if i told anyone he would do it more. So i stayed quiet. I would like to say that my suffering ended there but that was not the case. At the age of 14 I was raped by a guy I did not know. He violated me in the scariest way. Betrayed by my own friend. She took me there for this purpose. Her cousin wanted me and she delivered me to him. In the room there was a gun on the dresser which paralyzed me, I thought to myself “that’s it you are going to die”. He hand cuffed me to the bed post and had his way with me. When he was done he dumped me in a corner and I had to find my way home. I got in a bus and cried the whole way home. For weeks I was constantly reminded of what he had done. I had the marks of the handcuffs on my wrist. I was already broken but this finished me it broke my spirit. The world saw this girl who seemed okay living her life. That was far from the truth, it’s as if I was a zombie, just going through the motions, not living. Internally life had come to a standstill. Nobody knew what I was carrying inside. Nobody knew my burden and if I said anything they would not have believed me. Months after the rape it became too much for me and I tried to commit suicide, I took a bottle of pills. You have no idea how worthless I felt, how worthless these men made me feel. They took everything from me. My power, my voice. I felt as if all I was good for was for sexual acts. All I wanted to do is close my eyes and sleep and never wake up again because that meant I would not have to re-live this over and over again. I cried out to God so many times, why? Am I not your precious daughter? Do you not love me? Am I not worthy of love? Have I been placed on this earth only to suffer? I took a bottle of pills and knocked out but God said it was not time. See there is one thing you don’t know about me. I am a fighter, I am a survivor. You see if all of this has taught me anything is how strong I am. With the help of primarily God and an aunt (who helped me from the molestation and rape) I began the healing process and confronted my aggressor. I have fought, I have fought every day for myself, I have fought to be where I am now. It has not been an easy road but by the grace of God I have overcome and have been victorious. Many women have lost them selves or have lost their lives. I am still here. I refuse to let what has gone in my life define who I am. I can’t even tell you how many days I have pushed myself and uplifted myself. I recognize that it is God who gives me the strength. He picked me up and carried me and showed me where my value comes from. It does not come from what we have or from man, it comes from Him. I am the daughter of a King (Galatians 3:26). Loved (Isaiah 43:3). Beautiful (Psalm 139:13-16). Worth far more than rubies (Proverbs 31:10). Worth it (Romans 5:68). Victorious (Philippians 4:13). Joyful (John 15:11). Dignified (Proverbs 22:11). Favoured (Proverbs 8:35). These are the things I chose to believe and hold dear to my heart. These words have kept me moving forward, they are my strength. I fight because I am worth it. I fight because of what my Lord says I am to him. Not what life has showed me or society says about me. I am not ashamed nor am I embarrassed of my scars. I wear them proudly as a general wears badges of honor. They have formed into the woman I am now. God has formed in me a pillar of strength. It takes a strong person to be able to find joy in the mist of pain. By the grace of God that person is me.
I have had the honor to encourage and help a few young ladies in their pain. I have chosen to use my life as something positive. Although I went through something painful and traumatic I have taken back the power it took away from me. I have turned something negative into something positive. If I can help someone, encourage someone, give love where there is none. Then all I went through has served its purpose. I encourage you to not be afraid and speak out. Find someone that you trust and seek help. Yes, I know how you feel “no one will believe me”. I assure you that someone will. Do not be ashamed, you have nothing to be ashamed about. This is not your shame. Do not carry your aggressors shame. It is something that was done to you. You did not deserve it, you did not provoke it. You are a victim to someone else sickness and perversion. Take back what was taken from you because you are worth it. The thing is to get it out so you can begin to heal. Most importantly know that you are loved, truly loved.
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